Honesty

Sometimes a little bit of brutal honesty is in order. It isn't in order all of the time of course; then one might be in danger of actually improving one's state instead of just whining about it. Anyhow, lemme get to the meat of it. I failed. Today I went into my 2k test and performed worse than was expected of me. Not only did I fail to reach my goal, I was actually significantly slower than I was on my previous test. I also gained ten pounds in the interval. The combination of these two factors effectively sets me back 8 seconds. 8 seconds is a life time on a 2k. I could blame it on lack of sleep or poor nutrition or any number of factors, but the real truth is I was weak. I didn't push myself and I haven't been pushing myself for some time now. The lost ground was made apparent today in comparison to the significant gains made by the other A boat rowers. Any gains I will make between now and the end of the season will have to come now not only from physical gains but also from increased mental toughness. I can't accept failure. I can't give up because it hurts. Giving up in the face of adversity has defined me for too long and I want to do something about it. I'd like to be a person who is strong and doesn't falter when an actual challenge arises. In short, I'd like to persevere. I will have another chance to prove myself in two days. If I accomplish my goals, then perhaps the failure was a fluke and I am strong. If I fail to accomplish my goals then I think a serious re-evaluation of my person is in order. I would truly hate to be the person I fear I might be.

Instead of clever...

Instead of something clever, I'm instead going to mope. I get these intense bursts of ennui that are just bullshit. I get a feeling of aimlessness; it's like I'm drifting. I can't pinpoint what the problem is, or if there's even a real problem beyond my own laziness. First off, there's the girl issue. I can't say this is a new thing, I just don't have the drive to connect. I want connections, I crave them, but not out of genuine affection I think. I mostly just want someone to pay attention to me, to validate me. I want someone to pity me but at the same time need me; it makes me feel like a tragic hero. That's the truth I believe of what I want from a relationship. It's probably why I can't be associated beyond a platonic level with normal girls; there has to be an equivalently exaggerated desire to connect to compensate for my own apathy. I guess I could tell myself to step up the game, but I just don't see that happening. The best I can do is talk around and see if there are any relationships I can ease into. Next I would say is the lack of urgency for anything. I mean, there is always the ambient pressure, and it always gnaws. But the pressure just isn't enough to drive me, it's just enough to hold me down. I can't enjoy things under pressure, but I can't do things to relieve the pressure either. I'm pinned by my own inertia. Again, it just sounds like laziness, and it probably is but I still feel trapped by it. I don't know what to say about this, I just have a intrinsic but unclear understanding of the problem. I want crew to be what cures it, I think the race season will help. I just hope I don't lose the drive before then, I need to be better. I want to be worth something. This is becoming disjointed, I couldn't consolidate the problems quickly enough. I'll revisit this.

Blog Initiated

I'll say some clever and likely not so clever shit when I don't have chemistry and sleep deprivation breathing down my neck. Get ready for this.