Instead of clever...

Instead of something clever, I'm instead going to mope. I get these intense bursts of ennui that are just bullshit. I get a feeling of aimlessness; it's like I'm drifting. I can't pinpoint what the problem is, or if there's even a real problem beyond my own laziness. First off, there's the girl issue. I can't say this is a new thing, I just don't have the drive to connect. I want connections, I crave them, but not out of genuine affection I think. I mostly just want someone to pay attention to me, to validate me. I want someone to pity me but at the same time need me; it makes me feel like a tragic hero. That's the truth I believe of what I want from a relationship. It's probably why I can't be associated beyond a platonic level with normal girls; there has to be an equivalently exaggerated desire to connect to compensate for my own apathy. I guess I could tell myself to step up the game, but I just don't see that happening. The best I can do is talk around and see if there are any relationships I can ease into. Next I would say is the lack of urgency for anything. I mean, there is always the ambient pressure, and it always gnaws. But the pressure just isn't enough to drive me, it's just enough to hold me down. I can't enjoy things under pressure, but I can't do things to relieve the pressure either. I'm pinned by my own inertia. Again, it just sounds like laziness, and it probably is but I still feel trapped by it. I don't know what to say about this, I just have a intrinsic but unclear understanding of the problem. I want crew to be what cures it, I think the race season will help. I just hope I don't lose the drive before then, I need to be better. I want to be worth something. This is becoming disjointed, I couldn't consolidate the problems quickly enough. I'll revisit this.